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Super-High-Tech Redneck

Digitally Distilled by Moonshine Mysterion and Bill Blackman

 

Editor's Note:  I have known quite a few country people and found they are good, neighborly individuals. Most don't fit the stereotypes, but I hope they all have a sense of humor - especially those with the automatic weapons.

You are a tech-savvy redneck if:

  • You fix 8-track tape decks for all your friends.
  • There is a whole bunch of broken-down computers in your yard.
  • You use wireless electric pick-ups on all your guitars and banjos. Your band sells its CDs of Will the Circle be Unbroken on the Internet.
  • Without blinking an eye, you can crush a beer can in one hand, pull a match from a matchbook and strike it with the other hand, surf the Internet with a foot mouse and tap your other foot while whistling Dixie.
  • You keep your militia group's file of subversives on DVD-ROM.
  • Your semi-automatic pistol is really a digital candid camera.
  • Your computerized satellite dish automatically aligns with the satellite, no matter which direction you drive your hulking, gas-guzzling, cruise-control "built-like-a-brick" recreational vehicle.
  • Your semi-truck's mud flaps have 3-D-holographic silhouettes of naked ladies.
  • The three guns locked in the rear window of your truck are voice-activated, released by your voice only.
  • Your super-big-wheel monster pickup truck eats SUV's for breakfast, Pac-Man style.
  • Your transistorized robotic hound dog can track a raccoon faster than anyone. It runs on Purina Dog Chow or rechargeable batteries, but still barks every time a car drives past your house.
  • You can carve a 10-point buck with a CAD-CAM design program.
  • You know city people are the crazy ones.
Y'all are welcome to e-mail this to your friends (and them to theirs). If so, please add: From Hearts and Minds' nonprofit website - http://www.heartsandminds.org Explores poverty, the environment and other important issues. Covers how to volunteer effectively - self-help for wide range of challenges - food and health - inspirational quotes, art, and humor.

Bill Blackman is founder and editor of Hearts and Minds. From ages 19 to 24, he did carpentry and farm work in Tennessee, North Carolina, New York and Oregon... but he never owned a robotic hound dog or even a small RV.

Mr. Moonshine Mysterion is a computer-savvy banjo-picker. He does not use an electric pick-up but does have a strong sense of the surreal.

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http://www.heartsandminds.org/humor/rednecks.htm - latest text changes March 12, 2006

  

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